Tuesday, January 27, 2015

thoughts on being a momma

It's been 11 weeks now since my little one came into the world, and now that he's not so little anymore, I've been thinking a lot about how much this little guy has changed my life. The thoughts I've been having are scattered, so pardon the rambling nature of this post. :)

I was filling out an application for new health insurance last week, and one of the questions asked if I was pregnant or if I had been pregnant within the last three months. I almost instantly ticked "No" but then I remembered that my baby is only two months old. Which means that two months ago I was very very pregnant. I know that's a super huge "duh" thing, but it seriously feels like the life I led before my baby boy got here was eons ago. It feels like he's been a part of our family forever. I don't remember my nights not being interrupted by little hungry baby grunts and my days not filled with cycles of nursing, playing, and trying to cram housework in during naptimes.

But at the same time, my delivery still feels like it just happened. And I know that lots of people have way harder, way longer, way more difficult deliveries than I did. But the memories from that day still scare me in a very fresh, are-you-sure-that-wasn't-yesterday kind of way.

And the memory of meeting my big boy is still very fresh. Maybe it'll always be that way. The vividness of seeing his little eyes looking around for me as I spoke my first words to him outside of the womb. The way his cheeks were softer than I'd ever imagined anything to be. The way my heart ached with all of the joy even though my body was stiff and sluggish with anesthesia. The way all of the fear I'd felt for the last 16 hours was suddenly all fantastically worth it. The way I would do it again if I had to just to be able to feel that huge, massive, heart-stopping amount of love.

Being a mom is the most worthwhile thing I've ever done. It's like my whole life up until this point was preparing me for this whirlwind of dirty diapers, bedtime baths, pat-a-cakes and midnight feedings. And while there are days when I miss the freedom of not having a baby depending on me 24/7, I wouldn't trade my new life for a thousand of my old ones. Someone needs me. No one has ever needed me like this... it's so humbling to know that no one in the world could fill my place in this boy's life. And no one could fill his place in mine. I've never been happier in my life.

It's all about the little things for me now. It's the little yawns. It's the brand new giggles. It's the way his head feels against my cheek when he falls asleep on my chest. It's the way he smiles his big, gummy, toothless smile when I dance around the living room with him in my arms to my favorite country music. It's the way I've never loved his dad more than I do now.

It's the way I'm now somebody's mommy. I just can't wrap my mind around that,