Thursday, January 24, 2013

why i said yes

I said yes because of the time when I said I wasn't sure I wanted to date you, and you said that was okay. And then you talked to me for two hours afterwards. You looked at stars with me. And we played on the swings. You asked if you could hold my hand on the way home.

I said yes because you built a blanket fort in my living room with me and frosted cookie versions of us with frosting that dyed our teeth blue. You shared sparkling cider with me in that fort and made me laugh so hard I cried.

I said yes because I told you my dark secrets, and you loved me more.

I said yes because of the time I called you up in tears saying I missed you and I needed you and I couldn't do this anymore, and you listened and loved me and cried with me.

I said yes because you gave me the giant teddy bear I'd been coveting for years. YEARS.

I said yes because you promised we could have a rollercoaster in our backyard if we got married. And I LOVE rollercoasters.

I said yes because when I cried, you were there to hold me. When I was afraid, you made it all go away.

I said yes because you're the best kisser in the entire world.

I said yes because you protect me from the zombies.

I said yes because you get into "Roses are red, violets are blue" poetry wars with me.

I said yes because of the way my heart broke when you were sick.

I said yes because when one man told me to imagine eternity, the only thing I thought of was you.

I said yes because nobody is as weird as I am like you are.

I said yes because you make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

I said yes because you are the best person I've ever known.

I said yes because I want you. All of you. For forever.

Is it May 4th yet?

Saturday, January 19, 2013

i have weird dreams sometimes.

So, the other night, I had the strangest dream.

We were all sitting down at the outdoor wedding dinner the night before our wedding, and Fiance's dad was in the middle of a speech. I was sobbing because I was so happy, and Fiance was wearing an ugly, red and yellow polka-dotted bow tie (but it was okay because he looks like Brad Pitt, so the tie only enhanced his good looks). The table settings were beautiful and turned out way better than I'd hoped they would. Except two tables didn't have tablecloths, and I distinctly remember staring at those tablecloth-less tables and hoping none of my guests noticed the tacky crayon marks all over them.

And that's when we heard it. At first it was a low grumbling roar in the distance. Heads started to turn in the direction of the gate. People started whispering to each other.

"What's that noise?"

"What in the world...?"

Fiance's dad faltered in his speech, as he turned his gaze toward the gate as well.

I got to my feet, shoving my giant, lacy skirts out of my way (because I was wearing my wedding dress the night before the wedding... Apparently the warning that it's bad luck for the groom to see the dress before the wedding is true, because here's what happened next...)

That's when I saw the first one.

(Betcha can't guess what it was... Haha okay you probably can.)

A zombie.

Suddenly, everything was chaos. People were running, screaming, snatching up their children. Tables were overturned, wedding cake was smashed, Fiance's dad's speech was completely forgotten.

More zombies appeared. They burst through the gate and came at us, moaning their creepy moans and walking their creepy walks and making their creepy dead expressions at us.

I knew what I had to do.

"Hey zombies!" I ran out ahead of everyone and waved my arms around in the air. "Hey, look at me! Over here!"

The zombies stopped midstride and turned to face me.

"Come get me, you dummies!"

And then I took off running. I gathered up my skirts in my arms and booked it down the sidewalk, only glancing over my shoulder once to make sure that the zombies had lost interest in my wedding guests and were chasing me.

My shoes somehow disappeared in the way things often do in dreams. Maybe I'd never been wearing them to begin with, or maybe they fell off as I ran at top-speed down the road. Who knows? But I conveniently wasn't wearing wedding shoes as I outran all of those creeps.

What if I get tired before the zombies do? I remember thinking, but I laughed aloud as soon as that thought crossed my mind, and I picked up speed. Impossible. I ran a stinking marathon, for crying out loud. Those zombies don't stand a chance. (Which is totally bogus. I haven't ever run a marathon. And I never will. But apparently the dream version of me is way more legit than the real-life version of me, so I had that going for me.)

I ran all night long without even getting winded. The zombies got so tired that they all just disintegrated because they couldn't keep up with me, which was pretty convenient considering that zombies don't do that in real life... (Listen to me... "in real life"? I need to rethink my life.)

So once all of the zombies were gone, I ran back home. And apparently my little brother got the whole thing on tape, so we sat down and watched me be a bride superhero. And it was awesome.

Then I woke up.

Thank goodness I had the foresight to make sure that all of my tables have tablecloths at my wedding.

What are your craziest dreams?
Have you ever run a marathon?

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

school is dumb. let's get married.

School started yesterday. Wanna know how excited I was? Maybe this will give you some kind of idea:

1I was late to my first class.
2I didn't check where my classes were until I was running out the door.
3I forgot my backpack.
4No new pencils, pens, notebooks, or even textbooks until the second day of school... and only then because I begrudgingly decided not to let myself get behind on the homework yet. ("Yet" being the key word in that sentence...)
5I didn't bring any food for lunch.
6I fell asleep in my first class.
7I still haven't gotten any supplies for my editing class.
8I haven't done any of the homework that's due tomorrow. I haven't even cracked the book open.

Needless to say, I am waaaaay over school right now. I just don't get people who keep going back for more after their Bachelor's. I'm so ready to be done.

14th semester of college? We're already in a fight.

So, instead of doing homework, loving school, and caring about my degree, I got to browse through more engagement photos! Wanna see? These are some of my favorites. :)

I adore this next shot.

And this is my absolute favorite. :)

Monday, January 7, 2013


Wanna know what Fiance and I got to do over Christmas vacation?

Yep. Engagement photo shoot. In Memphis Tennessee, too! It was seriously so much fun. Fiance's sister-in-law, Breanna, took the photos. And, as you can tell, she is a rockstar. Love her, love her work, love how these turned out.

Anyway, so here's a few. I'll post more later.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

two years ago today.

Two years ago today, my brother, our friend, and I came close to death in a horrible car accident. Somehow, God granted us a miracle.
This is our story. 
January 2, 2011
I can hear only three sounds.

The angry acceleration of an engine that growls louder and louder and louder.

Screaming, high-pitched and heart-wrenching.

Muffled shouting. Words. Words I should be able to understand but somehow can’t.

I open my eyes to the dark. I see a key hanging from a glowing orange halo above me. I see shadows; Shadows of hair, of a steering wheel, of windshield wipers, of something large just inches from my body.

I flex my fingers. They shake. They reach out for the object in front of me that shouldn’t be there. They touch it, feel it. Wood. Or cement. Hard. Solid.

My left ear bites fire into my head. Something wet slinks down my neck.

The engine's roar rises in pitch.

My throat aches. I realize the scream is coming from me and I cut it off with a shudder.

Now I can hear the yells from behind. The words batter my head and bounce against the inside of my skull. I stare at the glowing orange above me, at the keychain that swings back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Music is still playing. Classical music. I was listening to classical music earlier. Yes, the piano concertos. Before…

A memory punches through my vision. Headlights. A yellow dotted line on black asphalt. Something in the road.

I flinch and shove the thoughts away. I focus on the yelling, on making sense of the words. Who’s yelling?


I turn my head to hear better, and the cold glass crackles under my cheek.

“Turn off the engine!” he’s saying. “Turn it off!”

His words don't quite make sense. I stare at the key and sense a dark shadow in my peripheral vision.


I look up at the hair hanging in the air from the driver’s seat, at her arms drifting across my line of vision.

“Devan?” I croak.

She doesn’t move.

“Devan?” I reach trembling fingers to touch her arm.

No response.

“Devan!” A jolt in my stomach, a clench in my throat.

“Turn off the engine!” Carter shouts.

"She's not moving,” I mumble, shaking Devan’s arm. “Devan… Devan, wake up!”

“The engine!” he says again.
And then it makes sense. I stretch forth a lead arm and twist the key in that orange halo ignition. The angry roar chokes and dies.

“Carter?” I squeak.

My brother. In the back seat. He’d been playing on his laptop. Before…

My mind spins. I see the dog, black and white, in the road, feel the jolt of my stomach as the car jerks, see Devan spinning the wheel in my peripheral vision, hear the words, “oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh” tumbling like blood from my lips.

“Carter!” My eyes fly open again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” There are crashes behind me. Shifting. Banging.

“Get your phone,” I say as I struggle to reach around the big wooden thing in my lap.

“I can’t find it!” Carter’s voice is panicked. “How are you guys?”

“Devan’s… unconscious…” How I hope that it’s true. I choke down a sob, squeeze my eyes shut and whisper. “Please, God, don't let her die…”

My ear stabs pain through the side of my face.

A drop of dark blood hits my hand. Devan’s blood. I shriek.
"She's dripping on me," I whimper. More drops splatter against my cheek. My stomach turns over. My eyes ache as I stare at her limp form dangling from her seatbelt.

And then her hand flutters.

I nearly choke. “Devan?” I reach for her fingers. She grasps mine feebly, then lets go.

“I found my phone!” Carter cries.

“Devan, it’s okay, it’s okay,” I murmur as her arms flutter around in the air above me. “I touch her hair. Hold her hands. Thank God she’s alive.

She moans.

“Can you get out of the car?” I ask my brother.

I hear the crunching glass as he scrambles around in the back. “I’m going to climb out the window.”

Devan reaches for her seatbelt, and I realize I’m still strapped firmly in my own. I’d been meaning to loosen it. Before…

And then I feel the lurch of the car all over again as it dives off the road and into the brush. I see the trees and bushes illuminated by the white glow of the headlights. I’m still saying, “oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.” A fence reaches its claws out of the darkness, dyed pale as bones. My stream of words turns into a scream. And then the world starts to tip…

I swallow down hard and try to focus. I have to focus. Devan needs me.

“Devan, sweetie, are you okay?”

She makes a gurgling sound, unlatches her seatbelt, and slides down on top of me where I lie in the broken and mangled remnants of a passenger’s door.

“Devan, you’re crushing me.” I push her hair back, see the footprints of blood on her cheek.

Her eyes are half open, her mouth droops.

“Can you hear me?” I struggle to ignore the way my voice quivers and the way my eyes sting with tears. My ear pulses madly.

She makes another gurgling sound and leans against the roof of the car.

Carter’s voice is loud outside. “I don’t know where we are,” he’s saying. “We rolled…”

My teeth are chattering. It’s getting cold. And my ear…

I want to reach up and touch it, see why it hurts so much. But what if there’s nothing there? My stomach writhes in my chest and I choke down more tears.

Devan’s face looks white in the moonlight that glares in at us through the shattered windows.

I need to keep calm. Her breaths come out ragged. Her eyes are closed. Her knees dig into my ribs. I cannot breathe.

“Devan,” I cough out. “Devan, you’re crushing me. Devan!”

But she doesn’t move. Just breathes. In and out, in and out.

Glass digs into my arm. I squirm under her weight, gulping at the air.

Carter’s voice gets louder. “Jessica?”

“What?” I croak.

“Are you okay? There’s a pole sticking right into your seat...”

“It barely missed me.” I run my fingers over the pole. Thick as a tree trunk.

He breathes a deep sigh. Says, "Thank you," to God. Then, "911 doesn’t know where we are. I’ll be right back, I’m going to find a sign or something. Is Devan okay?”

Devan’s head moves. “Yeah,” she mumbles.

“She’s awake,” I tell him.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a minute.”

His feet crunch away on the ground until I can’t hear him anymore.

And I am alone.

The darkness presses in on me in this confined space. My ears ring. My head beats the pulse of my heart. Tears stream silently down my cheeks.

“Why am I bleeding?” Devan stares at the blood on her hands. “Why is there blood on my face?” Her voice rises in pitch. “Where am I? Why am I here? What happened?”

I squeeze my eyes shut, beg my ear to stop beating, struggle to keep the tears down. Then I reach out for her arm and pat it. “We just tipped over, sweetheart. You got a little scratch on your cheek. You’re going to be just fine.”

Her eyes widen, and she leans over my face. “Who is this?!” I hear a note of panic in her question. She slaps my face smartly over and over with her hands. “Who is this?! Who is this?!”

“Jessica, it’s Jessica,” I cry, shielding my eyes from her fingers.

Please, God, help me.

“Who is this?!” Her hands assault my face, my hair, my neck.

Keep me calm!

“I’m Jessica! We go to school together!”

“Who is this?!”

I can’t do it.

“Do you know Carter?” I say. Panic spasms through my body as I gasp for air and fight to keep from losing my grip.

“Carter,” she repeats. She stops hitting me. Her hands rest dully against my cheeks.

“Yes, Carter. He went to church with you in Texas. You remember Carter?”

She nods. “I know Carter.”

“I’m his sister.”

She looks blankly at me. I let out my air in a stream of relief.

“His sister,” she repeats.

I nod. “Devan,” I say, hoping she’ll be more responsive this time. “You’re crushing me. Do you think you can crawl into the back seat where Carter was?”

She blinks over at the back seat, and then nods. Her elbows and knees gnaw into my ribs and face as she makes her way to the back. I cough for air when she finally sits on her haunches in the glass of a broken window and peers back at me.

“It’s cold,” she tells me.

“I know.” My own body is convulsing in violent shivers. I reach down around the pole. My blanket is still there. I yank at it. “Here, let me get you my blanket.”

Carter is back. Sirens are blaring. Blue and red lights illuminate the twisted metal that serves as my prison.

“Put this around you,” I tell Devan, shoving my blanket into the back seat with her.

I stare at my blanket on her lap. I'd had it wrapped around my legs to keep me warm. Before…

And then there’s the screaming. And hot adrenaline that shoots painfully through my legs until my toes are throbbing. And the world tips as I watch it through the windshield. And then a sound like a gunshot as the car smashes onto its side. I shut my eyes, feel gravity spinning, hear the crashing, the cracking, the shattering. I chance to open my eyes again. I see a telephone pole. A building. The fence is closer. We are still rolling. And the screaming suffocates my ears…

I close my eyes. Sobs choke up through my body, tears burn down my flesh. I press my cheek into the glass and cry.

An officer peers in at me through the driver’s window overhead. “Are you pinned? Are you okay?” he asks.

“I’m okay,” I whisper.

But I’m not.

There’s another man in the back seat with Devan now. He’s lifting her out.

“Did this pole get you? Are you injured?” The man interrogates me.

I shake my head. It throbs.

“Can you move?”

I sob yes. And then I show him. I smash into the back seat and crawl into the other man’s arms. They lift my shuddering body out of the wreck and set me on the ground.

I walk barefoot to the police car. I look back.

The vehicle is on its side. The fence pole speared through the roof right into the passenger seat.

Where I was.

How did it not hit me?

I am crying.

I am praying.

People talk to me, and I try to understand them. But I can't tear my eyes away from that car.

They ask me what happened.

We almost died.

They ask me if I hurt.

Yes. Everywhere. My ear. Is it still there.

They ask me who was driving.


Was it just you two in the car?

No, my brother was there too. Is Carter okay.

The boy?

Yes, Carter. Is Carter hurt. Is he bleeding. Is he broken.

He’s fine.

I want to see.

He’s in the back seat. Just stay here. Do you need to go to the hospital?

I don’t know.

Do you need a doctor?

I don’t know.

They ask more questions, but I can’t make sense of their words anymore.

The vision of the car is branded like fire against the back of my eyes. It is smashed. And the pole...

I should be dead.

I can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t speak. Sobs tear their way from my throat. The red and blue lights of the ambulance blur in my warped vision.

“Aw sweetie, you’re okay,” a woman with a nice voice says. She’s wearing a flower nightie. She hugs me. I cry into her shoulder. I’m afraid I will get blood on her nightie.

There are people everywhere. They say things to me. Ask me if my parents are coming. Ask me if I’m okay. Ask me if I was wearing my seat belt.

I say yes over and over and over.

My mind keeps hurling one question around in my head so loud I can’t hear anymore.

How am I not dead?

I thank God every day for our miracles. 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


2012 was the best year yet.

It was a year of...

Music. Release. Teaching myself to play guitar.

Friends. Spontaneity. Living in the moment (even if that moment is in the middle of the night).

Colors. Choking on chalk. Seeing Fiance's purple belly button (before he was Fiance. And also before he was Boyfriend. And also before he was Prospect. haha... but that's a story for a different day...)

Dressing up a few different times. Pretending I have table manners. Dancing like I actually know how.

Finding out that my best friend and I had actually already been friends for a while. Deciding not to date each other and then doing it anyway. Deciding not to commit to each other and then doing it anyway. Deciding not to count on forever and then doing it anyway.

Amazing friends who helped me through being far away from that best friend.

Laughter. 3-D Twister. Parties. And then calling him afterwards.

Trips to Oregon to see him. Walks on the beach. Late nights with friends. Community marathons.

Joking about getting married. And then realizing that deep down, we weren't joking. Changing our dreams from "if" to "when." Our first road trip together. Holding hands the whole way.


Eating wayyyy too much, and loving every single bite.

Living with these lovely girls. Photo shoots. Dirty dishes. Late-night chats. Robin's psycho fish.

Getting lost together. Feeling like a kid again. Ice cream.

My first successful homemade lasagna (and it was SO yummy). I think this is what clinched the deal and made Fiance decide he couldn't live without me... ;)

A ring. A promise. A future. A forever.

Trusting. In him, and in Him.

A new family. A bridal shower with gifts from people special to Fiance. Audrey Hepburn gloves. Having so much to be thankful for.

My first Christmas with this weirdo. ;)

Visiting more of Fiance's family. Falling in love with two more nieces and one more nephew (holy cow, I swear that Fiance's family was genetically engineered to make the cutest kids in existence. No joke). Renewing my love for curry. Looking forward to this new year that has so much in store.

Oh, and I also ran my first half-marathon (but sadly didn't get any photos of that). And it was so much fun.

Also, we set off fireworks on New Year's Eve.

Oh, and also I got the Batman trilogy for Christmas. And we started watching Lost (so much for having a life, right?) And we finished all of season one and two of The Walking Dead (I swear, I never learn... But now I'm hooked and it's an issue...)

Happy new year, everybody. Hope your 2013 is even better than 2012!