Wednesday, March 28, 2012

i have a confession to make: i let our love fern die.

So there's this Marriage and Family class at my university. Some of you might have taken it. In this class, the students are each required to plant and grow a seed. At the end of the semester, each student has to write up a paper on how growing this plant is like cultivating a marriage or family relationship.

Sounds easy enough, right?

That's what I thought, too.

I signed up for and took this class a year ago. And that plant-growing escapade is what this post is about. So, without further ado, I give you...

The Time I Sucked at Love

See, before growing the plant, which lovingly became known as "the Love Fern," I thought I basically had the whole dating-relationship-love thing down. I'd had boyfriends before. I considered myself pretty well-versed in the dating "rules." I knew what was up. I was at the top of my A-game. I was legit.

I knew my Love Fern would be epic.

All it required was love and water, right?
It was simple math, really. And I was bound to succeed.

So the professor gave me my seed.

I was so excited to show the world how much I rocked at love. I ran home, found some dirt, and put it in a mug. Then I jammed the seed in there.

And I watered it.

But for some reason, drowning my Love Fern seed in love didn't work. It never grew. Go figure.

So I had to go back to my professor for a new seed. I balled up my fists, clenched my teeth, and vowed that this time I would NOT over-love that Love Fern.

...And that, my friends, is how I killed my second Love Fern seed. And my third.

By this point, I was starting to get depressed. Maybe I wasn't as great at love as I'd thought...

But I had to try again. I couldn't hide the shame in my face as I asked my professor for a fourth seed. Shame was evident in my beet-red cheeks, my downcast eyes, and my squeaky "I killed another one, professor..." whisper.

I was absolutely determined not to let this fourth seed die. This was the relationship that would LAST!

Until I got home and realized that I had accidentally crushed the seed in my pocket on the way home from campus.

My life was over. I failed miserably, terribly, horribly, disastrously. I would never get married. I would never have kids. I would probably be one of those people whose goldfish can't ever live past 24 hours. Children in Africa were probably starving because of me.

The new math equation went something like this:

Death. Destruction. I sucked at love. Might as well give up now.

Asking for a fifth seed made me feel like a complete idiot. But the professor didn't call me any mean names or tell me that I would die alone (although I'm sure he was thinking it). He just gave me a new seed.

I was ultra-super-extra careful carrying that seed home. I followed all of the directions I could find on wikipedia. I sang to it. I loved the crap outta that thing.

And you know what?

Finally. It loved me back.

So basically...

I rock at love.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

a day in the life of a student custodian. attention: i am not a janitor. thank you.

I am a student custodian. Super glamorous, I know. Hey, I've gotta pay for school/rent/groceries/life somehow. I have had some sort of custodial job for three years now--long enough to feel like an old pro. So, without further ado, I give you:

A Day in the Life of a Student Custodian

I work on the day shift, which means that instead of doing the deep, intense cleaning (that's the early morning students--I did that last year and basically was a zombie for 8 months), I get to mostly try to maintain what those early morning students did. I, and the other day students, are in charge of six (count them!) SIX buildings.

Do you know what that means?

That means a LOT of bathrooms.

And we get to check them all. Twice a shift. That is how much we love you.

So we ride a lot of elevators

And we replenish the toilet paper so you don't get stuck hollering out for help on the toilet.
I know. We're heroes.

We un-jam one heck of a lot of paper towel dispensers. I swear these things were created by Satan himself.

In addition to that, we take out the trash, wash the windows after you put your grimy, slimy, yucky fingers all over them, restock chemicals and rags for the morning kids, and answer the radio in case there's an emergency (like if you spill your Caffeine-Free Diet Coke all over the carpet).

That is what I look like at work. Pretty cool, huh?
I'd like you to take note of a few things:
1-Look how legit I am with that radio. I get to say cool things like, "What's your 20?" and "Copy that." You're jealous already, I can tell.
2-Check out the motherload of keys on my hip. I can get into any building. Anywhere. That adds at least 20 points to my Coolness Quotient.
3-The nametag on my other hip certifies that I am a... wait for it... student. What?
4-iPod. Necessary or else I might have gone insane a looooong time ago.
5-Paper towel under my arm. Why? To use as a barrier between my hand and the bathroom door handles. Because I get to be a special witness that SO MANY people don't wash their hands. And, let's be real, who could bear to touch a door handle after watching girl after girl flush a toilet and walk out of the room without even giving me a courtesy hand rinse?!

Which brings me to the next part of this blog post:

Why My Custodial Job Makes Me Hate All People Everywhere

Number One

This is a sink. A sink is a beautiful, magical thing. And see those gray things? That's soap. And it's magical, too. Basically, your regular public restroom is chock full of magic and you didn't even know it.
Do me a favor. Use the magic. Don't let it go to waste. Seize the day.
And I'll maybe stop hating you a little bit.

Number Two

This is a toilet. I know you know what this is because you're smart people (although sometimes I wonder...) See that shiny silver thing sticking off the piping?
When you are done PLEASE use it and flush.
I am begging you. On my hands and knees. Grovelling. It is pathetic, but must be done.
When you don't flush your toilet, it makes me want to scream and pull my hair out and possibly kick small kittens.
You are responsible for the pain of the kittens if you do not flush the toilet after yourselves.
You learned how to flush a toilet when you were, like, three.
When you do not flush your toilet, that means I have to. And one or two toilets every now and then are fine--I don't care. But when at least three or four toilets need to be flushed per building and I check six buildings twice a day... You do the math. That's 48 times a day I have to flush after you people.
That. Is. Disgusting.

Number Three

This is a phenomenon I will never EVER understand. This is unused toilet paper. I repeat, UNUSED toilet paper. Why the heck is it on the ground?
If you absolutely need to pull off tons of toilet paper and not use it, please just put it in the toilet so that I don't have to pick it up. I find at least one pile like this per building. Sometimes more.
And it makes me loathe you.

Number Four

What. The. Heck.
Not even a foot away.

Please just use your brain when you use a public restroom. And then maybe I can stop hating your guts.

Oh, and if you leave me presents on the toilet seat, I will kill you.
That is not an idle threat.

Thanks. Hope your day is wonderful and public-restroom-free.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

so call me maybe?

I have a confession to make. I like teeny-bopper music. It's true. I'm not ashamed of it either.

My roommate Kara (who happens to be my THIRD roommate with that name) introduced me to this song, and I am in love with it. I don't know why. Maybe because it makes me feel like I live in a world full of rainbows and candy.

You love it, don't you?

Well, my songs aren't like that. But maybe they should be. Who knows? But I wrote another one last night! Now I just need to work out the chords to go along with it.

Also, my roommate came up with the perfect name for my guitar. Leila. Yep, that's definitely her name. And I'm going to use it.

In other news, these are my top ten favorite things about today:

2-Grape Nuts
3-Spring Fever weather
4-Evening class cancelled
5-the sky. right now.
7-Free dinner
8-text messages from Mom
9-lip-syncing to my ipod in public. I am not ashamed of this either.
10-Caramel apples

Don't you love how nearly half of those things are food? And I was trying to control myself. Otherwise all ten would have been food and you would have had a nice list of the things I've eaten today.

I'm going to go be productive. Maybe.

Go watch that video again... You know you want to.