Monday, July 13, 2015

babies don't really care about the government

There's so much going on in the political sphere right now. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you've probably been living under a rock. And if you are living under a rock, I'm kind of jealous of you in a lot of ways because the last week has been really crazy with all of the hate from both sides.

But anyway. This post isn't going to be about that because I'm super non-confrontational and even though I have my opinions, I recognize that most people have already made up their minds on the issue and me saying what I think is only going to spark a debate I don't feel like having. Plus also, I'm totally the type of person that takes everything super personally. And I'm kind of prone to crying when people say mean-ish things. I'm an ugly crier, so we're just going to avoid that altogether.

This post isn't about politics, it's about our day in Washington D.C.!

Yay patriotism and stuff!

We were super excited to visit the nation's capital. I'd never been there before, and I was so stoked to see all of the things I'd only seen on television. Monuments! Museums! Abraham Lincoln, oh my!

So, to sum up our day:

Once upon a time, we drive into DC with big dreams of this awesome day we are gonna have. Baby Bug is going to love historical monuments and museums and he's going to nap in his stroller like an old pro and he's going to breastfeed discreetly wherever we are without having a spaz attack about having his face covered and it is all going to be awesome.

We get into DC. The sun is blazing down on us and the air is thick with humidity. Why am I wearing long pants again? Wait, why are we even wearing clothes? The sun hates us.

We drive around a zillion million one-way streets, barely avoiding thick masses of pedestrians as we search for a place to park. We spend a good amount of that time trying to figure out why the heck there are so many people around. You know, besides general big-city stuff.

Oh wait. It's the fourth of July this weekend. That's why there's no parking. Why didn't the fact that it was the fourth of July occur to us? WHY DID WE NOT REALIZE THIS BEFORE WE GOT HERE?!

Finally we find a parking garage. It's only a mile and a half from the National Mall. No biggie. We'll just walk. In our flip flops. Across the city. With a hungry seven-and-a-half-month-old. It's gonna be great! We get points for optimism, at least.

Welp. The baby's crying. There's nowhere to breastfeed him. Not unless I want to sit in the middle of the sidewalk.

We press on. Quickening our pace. Must. Find. Place. To. Feed. Hungry. Baby.

Somehow we make it to the National Mall and find a nice spot under a tree to breastfeed. Life is just. For a minute. Then the baby decides he hates the blanket I'm trying to cover up with. I don't really blame him, either. It's friggin' 100 degrees out here. Baby fights me until I finally give up and ditch the blanket. I'm never gonna see these people again anyway.

People stare as they walk by. I try to ignore them. They can't see anything--I'm being super careful that my shirt is covering everything except what's in the baby's mouth--so I don't get what the big deal is. It's HOT people! You try drinking warm milk under a blanket cradled up against your sweating mother in 100 degree humid weather! Not a picnic!

Baby finishes breastfeeding. Baby is still mad. Where's that banana? I swear I packed a banana! Dump out entire contents of diaper bag. Locate banana. Feed baby.

Baby is now all red and sweaty, and we haven't even seen any monuments yet. Except... wait, is that...? Yes! Yes, it's the Washington Monument! Yay, we saw a thing! We can go home now!

Just like in the movies!

We start heading toward the Lincoln Monument because we don't want to be the lame people who went to DC and only say the Washington Monument. And not even up close. So we're going along and I realize that I left my sunglasses back under that breastfeeding tree. Husband takes screaming, sweaty, hot baby (who is now leading a strike against all strollers everywhere) to go find my sunglasses while I stand in line to buy water because with all of the sweating we have been doing we have basically no moisture left in our bodies. Plus have you ever tried making milk while dehydrated? Not easy.

Husband returns with my sunglasses. Except someone stepped on them and now they're broken. Yippee. Hey God up there? Do us a favor and send down some cloud cover before my eyes are burned out of their sockets. Mmkay thanks.

I buy us lunch and we sit under yet another tree to eat. I'm happily guzzling down my bottle of water when "SMACK!"

Great. Now I've been pooped on by a dumb bird. That jerk.

I use baby wipes to try to get the bird poop off. We finish our food and try to coax Bug into his stroller. He wants nothing to do with it. Still leading that boycott, I guess. We try singing him songs as we push him down the path toward the Lincoln Monument. He hates our singing, and the million Fourth-of-July tourists are looking at us like we're psychos.

So the baby ends up in my arms while Husband pushes the empty stroller. Bug has made it VERY clear that he wants nothing to do with Lincoln or his dumb monument. He just wants some air conditioning and a nap. I'm starting to agree with him.

But we keep going. Because we can't leave DC after only seeing the Washington Monument and the backside of a bird. That would be so lame!

So we hoist the 22-lb baby and stroller up the steps to look at Lincoln for about two minutes. And then we leave because we want to see as many things as possible before this baby's lack-of-nap turns into World War III.

My favorite part about this monument was that it was in the shade.

We check out the Korean War monument. Take a wrong turn. Find our way back. End up at the World War II monument before we finally admit to ourselves that there is no way in heck this overheated, overtired baby is going to let us go on that tour of the Capitol Building or into any of the Smithsonian museums like we planned.

Cool Korean War Monument.

He does, however, seem to like the WWII monument. Because water. And splashing.

He kept trying to dive in. Which was totally understandable considering how stinking hot we were.

Then we lose the binky and run out of water on our way back to our car. I force the poor, screaming child back into his stroller where he carries on without stopping until we get back to our car. We even stop by to see the White House on our way, but the baby does not stop screaming.

 Look closely. Yep. He's crying.
Stole... I mean BORROWED... Husband's sunglasses.

We know it's hot, little buddy. We want to scream too. But it's less acceptable for grown adults to do that, so we contain ourselves.

We get back to the car and get out of DC as fast as we can. It's clear that DC in July is not a place for babies.

Baby falls asleep as soon as the air conditioning in the car starts working and we all live happily ever after.

So there you have it. Our day at DC. We got to see a couple of cool things, I got pooped on by a bird and my sunglasses got broken. But all jokes and sarcasm aside, it was actually really neat to see all of these places. I told Husband that we need to go back sometime. But maybe not til our kids are grown.

There are a lot of places in this world that are great to take your babies to. Washington D.C. is not one of those places.

Happy Fourth of July!

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