Tuesday, May 26, 2015

the seven levels of poopy diaper horror

This post is not for the faint of heart. In fact, if you're not a mom, you'd better just stop reading right now because I don't think anyone but a mom could handle what I'm about to talk about.

Yep. Poop. And a lot of it.

There are varying degrees of poopy diapers--from mild to hide-in-a-closet-and-never-come-out horrendous.

I'd like to classify them from level one to level seven.

level one
This is what Husband likes to call a "juicy toot." Only like a quarter of a wipe is necessary. It's deceptive because it SOUNDS like you need to get out the gloves and galoshes, and it sure smells like that too. You get all the equipment together and call in the big guns only to find a little poop smaller than a dime. I guess there are worse surprises.

level two
I've got two words for you: "little nugget."

level three
This is your a smallish average poopy diaper. Only one wipe required. Nice and neat and stays right in the diaper, exactly where it should stay. Mildly stinky. The kind of diaper that grandmas and grandpas don't mind changing too much.

level four
This is the larger average poopy diaper. That diaper is full, my friends. There's no waiting for Grey's Anatomy to get over to change this one. It's gotta be changed immediately, or you'll end up with a level five.

level five
Poop came out. Little stains seep into the legs of the baby's cute pants. If the baby's exclusively breastfed, it's the color of mustard. If the baby's eating other foods, it's a much less sunshine-y color. Hope you packed baby an extra outfit in that oversized Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag.

level six
Yeah, your cute jeans are goners, my friend. Hopefully you weren't at McDonald's or someplace fancy like that because you and baby have just won a pair of matching, adorable, stinky stains. And, if you're lucky, you got some extra on your shirt. Yay for you.

level seven
You just sit and stare for a minute. There is no good starting point. There is poop everywhere. And before you're done, it's in even more places. Like on your face and in your shoes. This is where you dump the baby in the tub, seriously consider dialing 911, and stuff the diaper, 47 dirty wipes, and that once-cute outfit into three trash bags and throw it outside into the dumpster. Level seven is brutal. Level seven takes at least an hour to clean up. Level seven involves a lot of crying from both baby and mama. Good moms have been driven to the edge by a level seven.

Today? Today my little Bug decided to grace us with a seven.

It all seemed innocent enough. He was playing on the floor while I finished up my makeup. I went over to scoop him up into my arms and I smelled a hint of something. I lifted him closer to smell. Sure enough, he had a dirty diaper. Didn't smell too strong, so I figured it was mild. Maybe a level two.

I hauled him upstairs, laid him on the carpet (mistake number one) and lifted his legs (mistake number two).

When I opened the diaper, I realized how very wrong I was. There was poop everywhere. And it had squelched out of the back of his diaper and up his little back. It was squishing into a disgusting pile underneath him on the carpet. It got on his arms. It got on his feet.

I was shocked. How can something so little make SO MUCH POOP?!

I didn't even know what to do. Clean up the baby? Get rid of the diaper? Take off the poop-onesie? get him off the poopy carpet? Dump everything in the tub?

After thirty minutes, a lot of scrubbing, and a lot of yelling across the house to Husband to come help, we finally succeeded in making the room look less like a poop grenade went off in it.

Baby is now sleeping soundly and I am super proud of how I was finally able to get the poop out from under my fingernails.

A lot of things used to gross me out before becoming a mama. I feel like now I'm the queen of yucky, and I'm sure it only gets yuckier from here.

Anyone else have any great poop-splosion stories?

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