Friday, May 1, 2015

dear c-section scar

Dear c-section scar,

Sometimes I hate you. 

I see you in the mirror and I hate the way you look. Hate the way you make the skin on my lower abdomen pooch out. Hate how no matter how many crunches I do and how many pounds I lose, you’re the reason the pooch won’t ever go away.

I hate the way you feel under my fingertips. I hate how you’re numb in some places, and how it gives me goosebumps to not be able to feel my own fingertips on my skin.

I hate the way my stretched-out, post-pregnancy skin wrinkles down over you when I sit down.

I hate that I couldn’t give birth vaginally. I hate how seeing you reminds me that I failed, that I couldn’t give birth “correctly.” I hate how your very existence makes every future pregnancy a high-risk one.


You changed everything. 

You brought me nighttime snuggles and morning drooly kisses. You brought me hours of re-reading “The Hungry Caterpillar” and playing with itty bitty toes. You brought me someone who needs me in a way no one has ever needed me before.

You may have brought me numb spots on my abdomen, but because of you, I can feel so much more.

I feel the wet of tiny tears as I brush them away. I feel the sweetness of pudgy arms around my neck. I feel joy in the munchkin fists knotted In my hair. I feel the closeness in the milky breath on my face. 

I feel heart-stopping amounts of love—a kind of love I never even knew existed before you.

You brought me so much more than I could ever have dreamed.

Because of you, I get to look into the bright eyes of someone who adores me. I get to watch him grow and learn and love. I get to see the face of God in those round cheeks and gummy smiles.

When I see you, I see my own strength. You are a physical mark of the overflowing love I have for my little child. I am reminded on days when I don’t feel like I am enough, that I have already done so much for him. I see you and I feel better because you remind me that even though I make mistakes as his mother, I am willing to do absolutely anything for him.

Because you happened, I have become a thousand times better than I ever was before. I have learned how to sacrifice, how to give my everything, how to care about someone else more than I care about myself. I have learned what it means to be the one person in the world who can make things okay after a bonked head or a bad dream.

Because of you, my whole future is brighter. I have first days of school and PB&J sandwiches and soccer games and graduations to look forward to. I’ll have bedtime stories and teenage curfews and Mother’s Day phone calls and a mother-son dance at a wedding.

I see you, purple raised skin nestled low on my belly, and I see him. I can look at you and see what his tiny face looked like the first time I ever saw it. I see the way his eyes found mine in the beginning moments of his life and I can feel my heart bursting all over again.

I didn't fail because of you. I am thriving because of you. You have completely changed who I am and what I do and how I see the world.

How can I hate you when you have done so much for me? How can I hate the pooch and the numb spots when I have tiny fingers that reach out for me and a little voice that calls me “mama”?

No, I don’t hate you.

That little child you brought me? Loves me even when my skin sags over. Wants kisses from me even when I have morning breath. Loves to hear me sing even when my voice cracks.

I hear his giggles and his coos and see his wide innocent eyes and wonder... how could I possibly hate you? You are beautiful. You make me strong.

You helped make me a mama.

I am forever indebted to you.

Liked this post? Please don't forget to share!

Also, be sure to read more about pregnancy and childbirth:
Read my emergency c-section story here.
Read about how to prepare for an emergency c-section here.
Read about what 2am looks like with a baby here.
Read about my PUPPP rash here.


  1. What a beautiful tribute. I'm sure you make such an amazing mother. Thanks for sharing. I admire people who share their innermost beauty with others. Thank you for adding light to this beautiful world.

  2. What a beautiful post! I admire your openness and honesty. Motherhood is a wonderful calling :) Love you and that sweet baby of yours!

  3. I am with you! I had a child by natural child birth and one via c-section. Neither is more important because the way they were born. And a bit of a pooch is small payment for the love, joy and wonder of my children. Even the exasperation of their teen and twenties! LOL

  4. Your post resonated with me. My little ones were born with emergency C-sections as I had problems with my pregnancy and they were way to early. Even though I knew there was no other choice it took me years to make peace with my C-section.

    I’ve linked to your article on my Friday ‘Links I love’ post. I’ve click through from the Practicingnormal Pinterest Parenting Group Board and thought it was a great post. I’ve used your Pinterest photo and share one sentence of your post with a link to click through to your site. You can see the link here:


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