Friday, May 15, 2015

being a mom is hard

I feel incredibly vulnerable sharing this. I usually like using sarcasm and cracking jokes and showing the world the brighter things about this life. But tonight, I wanted to share something honest.

I always knew being a mom would be hard. It would be hard to give birth to my babies. It would be hard to get up during the night. It would be hard to potty-train. It would be hard to never get a break.

I imagined all of those things and how hard they would be.

But one thing I didn't think of?

It's hard to realize that the reason your baby isn't having wet diapers anymore is all your fault.

It's hard to weigh your baby and realize he's lost almost a pound in the last couple of weeks and it is all your fault.

It's hard to hold the tiny human that you love more than life and see him cry giant, sad, hungry tears after nursing and know that that hunger is all your fault.

It's all my fault.

That's a kind of "hard" I didn't ever think of. This "hard" feels so very deep and bitter and cold.

On the surface, I know that I'm not failing as a mother. As soon as I realized what the issue was, I pulled out my frozen milk to make him bottles. And I pulled out my trusty pump to try to get my body making milk the way it was before. But I still feel like I'm failing.

Failing feels strangely like falling. Fighting to get my body to make the milk that I KNOW it knows how to make. Except it won't.

I pump and I pump and my nipples get sore and my body gets tired and I feel the word FAIL sinking into my heart.

I know it isn't as hopeless as it feels. My baby will get fed whether I can get my body to make milk or not. He will grow and thrive and become a wonderful young man. No one will look at him and think I failed because of this.

But it's hard to remember that sometimes.

Anyone else struggle with milk supply? I'd love some support right now.

3 comments:

  1. Jessica, I can relate a lot to this post. For whatever reason, my milk supply disappeared about 3 months after my baby was born. I also felt like I was failing, because I really wanted my baby to have the best! I also knew, deep down inside, that she was going to be okay if she had to switch to formula. And she has been.

    A doctor recommended to me though, that milk increases when you eat oats and barely. And of course, drinking lots of water and eating more than you usually would. These things did help a little bit, but not enough that I could stop feeding her formula. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much if it doesn't work. We are pretty blessed to live in this day and age that formula will still provide for our babies, and they'll grow up healthy and strong. :)

    -Chaun from www.hiccupsandpastries.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your sweet comment! I've been trying to eat oatmeal and pump a lot and I'm hoping that my supply will slowly come back. I'm so glad we have formula just in case, too! I was just talking to my husband last night--what did moms do before pumps and formula? I'm so grateful I live in this day and age where I know that no matter what, my little man will get fed. Whether it's with breastmilk or formula. :)

      Anyway, I really appreciate your comment. It is reassuring to know I'm not alone!

      Delete
  2. Oh woman, I'm so sorry! I know how you feel! I cried for MONTHS, day after day because I couldn't produce enough milk. It felt like everyone was telling me what I could do to help my milk production, or make some comment about how nasty formula is and they felt bad my babies had to drink that "yucky" stuff. I would look at women who were able to nurse their baby and feel insanely jealous. Why couldn't my body work that way?! My immidiate though was I just wasn't good enough. I couldn't nurse correctly or I wasn't pumping enough. How could I feed my babies "yucky" formula? I am here to say formula isn't yucky. My babies are happy and healthy and when it comes down to it that's the most important thing. You do what's best for you and your baby. That might be pumping and nursing, it might be nursing and formula, it might be just formula, or it could be something else. You get to decide, and guess what. There is no "RIGHT" way.

    I am hear to tell you, you are enough! Don't listen to all the "milk shamers" out there! You are enough! It took me being able to tell myself that I was the mom, I got to decide what was best for my sons. When someone would ask I would try to let it roll of my back instead of feeling like a failure. You are not a failure! Once I made a decision to stop beating myself up and do what I could, what I though was best, I became a happier mom. I spent more time playing with my sons instead of beating myself up. You're awesome! You're the Mom!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for stopping by my blog. :) I love your comments, and try my best to respond to every one!