I feel incredibly vulnerable sharing this. I usually like using sarcasm and cracking jokes and showing the world the brighter things about this life. But tonight, I wanted to share something honest.
I always knew being a mom would be hard. It would be hard to give birth to my babies. It would be hard to get up during the night. It would be hard to potty-train. It would be hard to never get a break.
I imagined all of those things and how hard they would be.
But one thing I didn't think of?
It's hard to realize that the reason your baby isn't having wet diapers anymore is all your fault.
It's hard to weigh your baby and realize he's lost almost a pound in the last couple of weeks and it is all your fault.
It's hard to hold the tiny human that you love more than life and see him cry giant, sad, hungry tears after nursing and know that that hunger is all your fault.
It's all my fault.
That's a kind of "hard" I didn't ever think of. This "hard" feels so very deep and bitter and cold.
On the surface, I know that I'm not failing as a mother. As soon as I realized what the issue was, I pulled out my frozen milk to make him bottles. And I pulled out my trusty pump to try to get my body making milk the way it was before. But I still feel like I'm failing.
Failing feels strangely like falling. Fighting to get my body to make the milk that I KNOW it knows how to make. Except it won't.
I pump and I pump and my nipples get sore and my body gets tired and I feel the word FAIL sinking into my heart.
I know it isn't as hopeless as it feels. My baby will get fed whether I can get my body to make milk or not. He will grow and thrive and become a wonderful young man. No one will look at him and think I failed because of this.
But it's hard to remember that sometimes.
Anyone else struggle with milk supply? I'd love some support right now.