Ever since I convinced Fiance to let me watch The Walking Dead again, I've been formulating my own personal plan for what I'll do if zombies decide to start existing. And then I remembered how everyone is freaking out about how the end of the world is going to happen on December 21st because that's when the Mayan calendar ends. And then I realized holy crap it's going to be ZOMBIES!!!
So I'm going to do you all a favor and teach you all that I know about
because humanity as we know it is going to end on December 21st. We don't have much time.
how to prepare:
1Get in shape. I know it's Christmastime and all you want to do is drink eggnog and watch A Christmas Story all day. Resist the urge. The zombies are coming and they will eat you if you are too fat to run away.
2Stock up on the necessities. Who knows how horrible the zombie outbreak will be? Supplies could get really scarce really quickly. So stockpile the following:
- energy supplements
- light sabers
- sweat pants
- your Captain America shield
- all of the seasons of Community on DVD
4Create a gameplan:
- How are you going to get to your hiding place? Are you going to run (even though you're disgusting and fat from all of that eggnog)? Are you going to drive your car (you know, that beat-up old chevy with about forty billion miles on it that Mom and Dad gave you that probably couldn't run over a zombie even if it tried)? Or are you going to take to the sewers (and deal with how bad you'll smell for the rest of your life)?
- Who are you bringing with you? Are you going to bring your roommate (who will need to stop to use the bathroom every twenty minutes and will eat all of your oreos)? Are you going to bring your super ultra-ninja bodyguard (complete with a batman utility belt and rock-hard abdominals)? Or are you just going to straight-up bring along Batman? (Sorry, you can't. I already called dibs on that.)
- How will you communicate with your loved ones if the cell phone towers all spontaneously decide to combust? Will you use walkie talkies (and just make sure you never get out of range of each other)? Will you send letters by owl (Hedwig, anyone)? Or will you use your ESPN (or something)?*
5Remember the basics
- Zombies are already dead. It is gross and they will smell bad.
- They don't die if you cut off their arms or their legs with your light saber. Go for the brains.
- They are drawn by noise. So make like Elmer Fudd and be "vewy vewy quiet."
- Be hard-core. Only hard-core people survive zombie apocalypses.
*I hope you caught the Mean Girls reference. I promise I know that ESPN is the sports channel. I'm not that far gone yet.
How are you preparing for the zombie apocalypse?
Have you ever watched The Walking Dead?
If I were to hypothetically need a Captain America shield, where would I find one?