I'd never felt pain like this before.
It tore at my chest in the way a broken heart never had, in the way rejection could never begin to touch, in the way disappointment could never compare to. The ache in my chest felt like love, but this love hurt, and it hurt bad.
I held your head in my lap. Your fever burned my fingertips as I smoothed the sweaty hair away from your forehead.
I watched your eyelashes flutter as your eyes twitched beneath their lids and I wondered what sort of dreams you could see. Your breathing was uneven and loud in the way only sick people's breathing ever is. Each breath made you wince in your sleep.
There were people in the other room laughing and watching some action film I'd never heard of. They seemed miles away from where we were, there on the ground in the hallway.
I sang to you. Quietly, so they couldn't hear.
But singing was so hard with that lump in my throat.
I wiped tears away from my cheeks so that they wouldn't drip onto your skin and wake you. You needed all of the sleep you could get.
I sang for hours. Til my legs had long fallen asleep. Til I ran out of songs to sing and started going through the same ones again. Til your snoring became softer and more even.
There was nowhere in this world I would rather be than right there with you right then, no matter how much it tortured me inside to watch you like that.
I prayed the whole time you slept. Told God how much I loved you. Asked him to take the pain away from you. Wished it could be me instead.
But God knew. He always does.
Today, I'm grateful for the mono.
It's been hard. So, so hard. But it's been a learning experience for both of us.
Fiance's still not better. He spent last night in a hospital. He's lost twenty pounds. He's exhausted.
But he's making progress. He's getting there. We're getting there, together.
If anything, this crazy run with mono and liver issues and blood clots has taught me how crazy much this guy means to me. He is my everything.
Nice try, Fiance, but you won't get rid of me that easy. :)