Monday, November 12, 2012

today, i'm grateful for mono.

I'd never felt pain like this before.

It tore at my chest in the way a broken heart never had, in the way rejection could never begin to touch, in the way disappointment could never compare to. The ache in my chest felt like love, but this love hurt, and it hurt bad.

I held your head in my lap. Your fever burned my fingertips as I smoothed the sweaty hair away from your forehead.

I watched your eyelashes flutter as your eyes twitched beneath their lids and I wondered what sort of dreams you could see. Your breathing was uneven and loud in the way only sick people's breathing ever is. Each breath made you wince in your sleep.

There were people in the other room laughing and watching some action film I'd never heard of. They seemed miles away from where we were, there on the ground in the hallway.

I sang to you. Quietly, so they couldn't hear.

But singing was so hard with that lump in my throat.

I wiped tears away from my cheeks so that they wouldn't drip onto your skin and wake you. You needed all of the sleep you could get.

I sang for hours. Til my legs had long fallen asleep. Til I ran out of songs to sing and started going through the same ones again. Til your snoring became softer and more even.

There was nowhere in this world I would rather be than right there with you right then, no matter how much it tortured me inside to watch you like that.

I prayed the whole time you slept. Told God how much I loved you. Asked him to take the pain away from you. Wished it could be me instead.

But God knew. He always does.

Today, I'm grateful for the mono.

It's been hard. So, so hard. But it's been a learning experience for both of us.

Fiance's still not better. He spent last night in a hospital. He's lost twenty pounds. He's exhausted.

But he's making progress. He's getting there. We're getting there, together.

If anything, this crazy run with mono and liver issues and blood clots has taught me how crazy much this guy means to me. He is my everything.


Nice try, Fiance, but you won't get rid of me that easy. :)

20 comments:

  1. This is beautiful. Beautifully written. And I admire your faith. I literally could picture the scene you were describing, so heartfelt! My prayers are with you and your fiance, that he starts to get better and recover from this sickness.

    Thanks for following, I'm your newest follower now too and excited to read more!
    http://nuggetonabudget.blogspot.com

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    1. Aw, thanks! Your comment just totally made my day, and thanks for praying for us! He's on the upswing now, so hopefully he'll be back to normal soon!

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  2. You are so strong, I hope he gets better soon and you can hang in there!

    X
    Molly
    thecottagediaries.blogspot.co.nz

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    1. I'm sure trying to be! He's starting to get better now, so there's finally a light at the end of this dumb mono tunnel... haha :) Thanks for your comment!

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  3. THis is a great post. you and your fiance are adorable- congrats! hope that you get better soon. Thank you for linkin up!

    Helene in Between

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    1. Thanks so much! :) He's on the upswing now so hopefully he'll be better in no time!

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  4. I hope your fiance feels better!! I had mono in high school and that stuff is rough!! He's lucky to have you.

    Newest follower from the blog hop! Swing by if you can.

    xo
    SEL
    growinglaughingandlovinginlife.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Yeah, mono is the pits, but he's getting better day by day! I just want my fiance back! :)

      I'll head over to your blog now and check it out! Thanks for the follow!

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  5. You are so sweet! I know it takes time to recover from that horrible sickness! I had mono a few years ago...I did not spend time in hospital, although went to minor e.r. While i had it, I had a horrible rash! It was like I was literally on fire! It was all blotchy and would go away while i was knocked out from benadryl and would come back after the med. wore off and wake me up from the burning in different areas on my body! ...and larger areas. It was horrible. There really is no other way to describe how you feel other than you are dying, ha! I am sorry for him, but happy that he has someone like you to take care of him!
    Found you through the hop!
    xoxo
    Amber @ Shauchunas Times
    http://shauchunastimes.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! Wow, your mono sounds awful! Mono for sure is no fun... Fiance has had a particularly horrible bout of it complete with liver complications and blood clotting and allergic reactions to medicines and whatever else you can think of... But he's getting better, so things are looking up! Thanks for your sweet comment! I'll be sure to stop by your blog soon, too! :)

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  6. You all are adorable! I've never had mono but it does not sound fun:(

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    1. Yeah, Mono is the pits. Luckily most people don't get it quite as bad as Fiance, so that's good! :)

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  7. I hope he feels better! You are a beautiful writer!

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    1. Thanks so much! He's on the upswing now so hopefully he'll be better soon. :)

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  8. Hey there! What a sweet post! I am a new follower of yours from the blog hop and am looking forward to your blog :).

    Tiffany
    http://thedwellingtree.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thanks! I'm off to check out your blog now! :)

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  9. I love you oh-so-much. :) I'm lucky to be able to call you mine. It's fine by me if you never leave.

    -Fiance

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  10. This is so sweet and so sad! I can relate to it too which makes me love it even more. Not fun when our man is so sick! And yours sounds terrible! :( I hope he gets better soon and planning the wedding can become even more fun.

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    1. Aw, thanks Tessa! Yeah, it seriously is no fun when they're sick... it's a whole new kind of sad that I've never experienced before! I hate being so helpless against it! But I'm glad you can relate. :) And luckily he's starting to get better, so hopefully he'll be back to normal soon!

      Thanks for your sweet comment--you always cheer me up so much!

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