If you steal my idea, please give me royalties. :)
1The Super-Sonic Ultra-Shower!!!
Tired of waiting for the water to be just right, only to step in and get 3rd degree burns all over your body?
Then look no further!
The Super-Sonic Ultra-Shower is here for you! With lots of buttons and doo-dads and even a nifty screen, this shower programs the temperature of your shower before you get in!
But wait, there's more!
The Super-Sonic Ultra Shower also is programmable to reduce steam! You heard right, ladies and gentlemen, no more choking to death every morning before work! Guaranteed to keep your brain cells from suffocating!
Ready to quit joggling the temperature back and forth from arctic-frozen to You-Know-Where hot? Ready to stop being terrified of your shower head?
Buy the Super-Sonic Ultra Shower... as soon as somebody more intelligent than me invents it!
2The Otter Pop Diet of Amazingness!
Ready to lose weight the super awesome, totally hip, most delicious way in the history of ever? Boy have I got a diet for you!
The Otter Pop Diet of Amazingness!!!
Each Otter Pop tastes like a normal Otter Pop... but guess what? They aren't normal Otter Pops! (gasp!)
Infused with vitamins and minerals that have zero taste-changing abilities, these little babies are guaranteed to give you all the nutrients you need... in the most delicious way possible! (Think Vitamin Water--only a bajillion times yummier!)
Now you don't need to eat anything! Now you're the happiest person ever because you can eat Otter Pops all day long and be totally healthy while consuming only 25 calories per pop! Now you can be the skinny person you've always longed to be!
...Well... Maybe not right exactly at this moment... Probably more like sometime in the future... If anyone in the world besides me thinks this is a good enough idea to use their intelligence to make these amazing things.
3The Clean-Dishes-Putter-Away-er 3000!!!
Do your clean dishes sit in your dishwasher for days?
Does your clean dish rack pile so high it could count as one of the 7 Wonders of the World?
Are you ridiculously lazy?
Boy, have I got a surprise for you!
It's the Clean Dishes Putter Away-er 3000!!!
It does exactly what you think it does--It puts your dishes away in their proper place so you don't have to!
(If you invent this for me, I'll love you forever. And you can use this ad all you want.) (I know, I know. I'm so generous.)
Are you always late to work or school? Is walking up that last hill to campus an inconquerable feat? Do you want to be Spiderman?
We can help!
Just purchase the Insta-Zipline! Shoot it from your home to your office building the same way Spiderman shoots his sticky web thread, hang on tight, and zipline all the way to work. It's that easy!
Leave your home late? That's just fine! Just use the Insta-Zipline, and you'll get to your appointment on time! (Unintentional, yet totally awesome rhyme that I am leaving just for you. You're welcome ;)
And, as a new feature, the Insta-Zipline is now equipped with a gravity-resisting mechanism--so if you need to get somewhere uphill, you can!
Never be late again!
Always make unforgettable entrances wherever you go!
You could even dress up like Spiderman and legitimately fool people on your way to work!
Worried you might fall off the Insta-Zipline and die? Well, stop worrying! It has anti-slippery-hands stuff you can apply to the handle so you'll never lose your grip!
5Super Delicious Chocolate Hazelnut Spread!
Need something delicious to slather all over your toast in ridiculously large quantities?
Craving a chocolatey snack that you can eat in the middle of the night with a spoon? (no shame, people!)
Dreaming of a silky, mouth-watering, yummy...?
...Oh wait. Someone was already intelligent enough to invent this one. Whoever that guy was is my all-time hero, and I am not exaggerating.
(PS I really think Nutella should pay me for all of the advertising I do for them. And that payment should come in the form of lots and lots of Nutella. A lifetime supply is the only thing I want in this world.)
There's my list, everyone. Hope you enjoyed it!
Also, please forgive my excessive use of exclamation points. I kept picturing Billy Mays doing these advertisements, and that guy's voice, by definition, was a big exclamation point. (My little brother and I used to call him "the yell-y guy" when we were little. A title that is very well-deserved, if you ask me.)
Also, this stuff is exciting, and it deserves exclamation points.
!!! <-- (There are a few more, just for emphasis.)
What are five things you would invent if you had the know-how?
Interested in inventing one of these things? Just contact me. I've got all the details to make your product successful. :)