Tuesday, April 3, 2012

proof that i'm a ninja: i can make spaghetti

There have been rumors flying around everywhere, and I'm here to set them straight once and for all.

Yes, I am a ninja.

So stop believing those crazy people out there who say I'm not. They are lying to you. You should probably stop being friends with liars.

Want proof?

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time...

I was a ninja.

My mom had gone out for a few hours to run errands, and I was holding down the fort at home.

Then the phone rang. I, being the ninja that I am, answered it (I know, big deal).

It was my mom.

Me: Hello?

Mom: Hi, Jess, could you do me a favor and make dinner?

Me: Of course, my dearest, most wonderful mother, whom I never disrespect or disobey.

Mom: Great. Just make spaghetti. There's beef thawing on the counter.

Me: Yes ma'am!

Needless to say, not only was I a ninja, but I was also super polite. And otherwise awesome.

I hung up the phone and ran into the kitchen where, sure enough, a hunk of ground beef was thawing on a plate on the counter.

Bust out the ninja-ness.

Good thing I know how to make good spaghetti.

So I whipped out that frying pan, sauteed some onions, and cooked up that ground beef like a freaking pro. Before long, that beef was ready for some tomato gloriousness, so I dumped that in, too.

While it was all simmering and cooking into a delicious culinary masterpiece, I hunted through the cupboards for exotic spices to make this spaghetti the best spaghetti ever.

But instead of spices, I stumbled upon something even better.

Food coloring.

Food coloring is the best invention ever. True story. You can dye your food ANY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW. And if that isn't amazing, I seriously don't know what is.

So I opened the box and looked greedily at all of the colors inside. My eyes immediately latched onto the little blue bottle.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Blue was legit. Blue was suave. Blue was cool.

And we were most definitely, 100% for sure, totally having blue spaghetti for dinner. Because I'm a ninja, and ninjas own blue Italian food.

So I unscrewed the cap on that little blue bottle, and dumped half of the contents into my simmering spaghetti sauce.

My eyes lit up. My heart was beating double-time. I was so excited I couldn't even breathe.

I stirred. And stirred. And stirred.


Apparently blue food coloring + tomato sauce DOES NOT EQUAL blue tomato sauce.

Actually, it equals horrible, disgusting, nasty-looking sludge that looks like barf and tar and evil mixed together.

It was tragic.

What's a poor ninja to do?!

Mom was due home any minute...

I searched my ninja brain for an idea... any idea...

And then I thought of it.

That's it. Red food coloring.

No one would ever suspect...

About fifteen minutes later, Mom finally came home. We all gathered around the table for dinner. Proudly, I carried in my beautiful, simmering, red concoction of divinity. My siblings ooh-ed and ahh-ed over it. My mom nearly fainted at the sheer magnitude of its beauty. My dad was drooling at the heavenly scent.

I set that spaghetti sauce on the table next to a steaming bowl of noodles.

"Dig in!" I said proudly, taking my seat.

We all began to shovel noodles and beef into our mouths.

It was glorious.

It was perfect.

It was...

"Why's my fork red?" Mom asked, holding high a utensil that looked as though it had been dyed in blood.

Dad took a look at his own fork. The kids held up the prongs before their eyes. I stole a glance at the silverware in my hand.

Yep. Definitely red.


Mom looked at me with one raised eyebrow.

"What did you put in the spaghetti sauce?" she asked me.

I needed to think like a ninja. Quick!

"Um... love?" I answered sweetly.

Nobody ever knew.

And we all lived happily ever after.

The end.


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