Saturday, March 24, 2012

a day in the life of a student custodian. attention: i am not a janitor. thank you.

I am a student custodian. Super glamorous, I know. Hey, I've gotta pay for school/rent/groceries/life somehow. I have had some sort of custodial job for three years now--long enough to feel like an old pro. So, without further ado, I give you:

A Day in the Life of a Student Custodian

I work on the day shift, which means that instead of doing the deep, intense cleaning (that's the early morning students--I did that last year and basically was a zombie for 8 months), I get to mostly try to maintain what those early morning students did. I, and the other day students, are in charge of six (count them!) SIX buildings.

Do you know what that means?

That means a LOT of bathrooms.

And we get to check them all. Twice a shift. That is how much we love you.

So we ride a lot of elevators

And we replenish the toilet paper so you don't get stuck hollering out for help on the toilet.
I know. We're heroes.

We un-jam one heck of a lot of paper towel dispensers. I swear these things were created by Satan himself.

In addition to that, we take out the trash, wash the windows after you put your grimy, slimy, yucky fingers all over them, restock chemicals and rags for the morning kids, and answer the radio in case there's an emergency (like if you spill your Caffeine-Free Diet Coke all over the carpet).

That is what I look like at work. Pretty cool, huh?
I'd like you to take note of a few things:
1-Look how legit I am with that radio. I get to say cool things like, "What's your 20?" and "Copy that." You're jealous already, I can tell.
2-Check out the motherload of keys on my hip. I can get into any building. Anywhere. That adds at least 20 points to my Coolness Quotient.
3-The nametag on my other hip certifies that I am a... wait for it... student. What?
4-iPod. Necessary or else I might have gone insane a looooong time ago.
5-Paper towel under my arm. Why? To use as a barrier between my hand and the bathroom door handles. Because I get to be a special witness that SO MANY people don't wash their hands. And, let's be real, who could bear to touch a door handle after watching girl after girl flush a toilet and walk out of the room without even giving me a courtesy hand rinse?!

Which brings me to the next part of this blog post:

Why My Custodial Job Makes Me Hate All People Everywhere

Number One

This is a sink. A sink is a beautiful, magical thing. And see those gray things? That's soap. And it's magical, too. Basically, your regular public restroom is chock full of magic and you didn't even know it.
Do me a favor. Use the magic. Don't let it go to waste. Seize the day.
And I'll maybe stop hating you a little bit.

Number Two

This is a toilet. I know you know what this is because you're smart people (although sometimes I wonder...) See that shiny silver thing sticking off the piping?
When you are done PLEASE use it and flush.
I am begging you. On my hands and knees. Grovelling. It is pathetic, but must be done.
When you don't flush your toilet, it makes me want to scream and pull my hair out and possibly kick small kittens.
You are responsible for the pain of the kittens if you do not flush the toilet after yourselves.
You learned how to flush a toilet when you were, like, three.
When you do not flush your toilet, that means I have to. And one or two toilets every now and then are fine--I don't care. But when at least three or four toilets need to be flushed per building and I check six buildings twice a day... You do the math. That's 48 times a day I have to flush after you people.
That. Is. Disgusting.

Number Three

This is a phenomenon I will never EVER understand. This is unused toilet paper. I repeat, UNUSED toilet paper. Why the heck is it on the ground?
If you absolutely need to pull off tons of toilet paper and not use it, please just put it in the toilet so that I don't have to pick it up. I find at least one pile like this per building. Sometimes more.
And it makes me loathe you.

Number Four

What. The. Heck.
Not even a foot away.

Please just use your brain when you use a public restroom. And then maybe I can stop hating your guts.

Oh, and if you leave me presents on the toilet seat, I will kill you.
That is not an idle threat.

Thanks. Hope your day is wonderful and public-restroom-free.


  1. That just made laugh real good. And for you I'll stop throwing my unused toilet paper on the floor.

  2. Everything you said was so true! People are so annoying!

  3. Jessica, your blog is soo much fun. go check out my blog I could use some help making it as nice as yours.


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